The five F's every man needs for the Spring Carnival

Spring Carnival racing is here! Time to dust off the old bag of fruit and polish the boots.
The fillies are in superb form, and horses are going well too.

It's common knowledge that all men love the races. It's betting, it's drinking and its women. Possibly our three favourite things.
And when it comes to going to the races, preparation is key. At TJR we have put in the hard yards and long hours to provide you with a short list of the five F's essentials for a phenomenal day.

Fanciest Suit
To make the best out of the day you've got to look the part. Don't settle for the old hand-me-down, well-worn, wrong fitting option, nor that same suit you rocked at the Year 9 Formal.
Invest in a quality suit, and feel like Harvey Specter all day long.

Fat Wad of Cash
Once you look the part, you need a wallet to match. No one half-asses the races and enjoys it. Be prepared to spend the dough for a good time. Beers must flow, bets must be made, and if you happen to find yourself a winner, shout those who are having a shocker.
But most importantly, budget for the day. There is nothing worse than running out of cash before the last race and watching you're "sure thing" romp home for a win.

Form Guide
There is nothing worse than watching a bloke pick a horse based on a name or a whim. Yes they may get lucky, and yes at TJR we acknowledge you must go with the gut sometimes, but at least make that gut somewhat informed!
Grab the paper in the morning, check out what the experts say and don't throw away your money. Check yo self before you wreck yo self. Smart punting is good punting.

Flask
Uncertain economic times, gambling, and overpriced spirits mean a flask can be a necessary addition to all outfits. Fill it up with your favourite hooch, stash it in the jacket pocket and be careful about divulging its identity. Who you share your flask with is a sacred tradition, deeply endowed with respect and trust. Using a flask properly is about quiet sophistication among friends, and reminding yourself that you're a man who drinks real booze.

Focal Lenses
Better known as shades, sunnies, or goggles - these are essential.
Even if Melbourne has tossed up an average spring day, a good pair of lenses are pivotal to a day at the races for two reasons.
Firstly, you're in Melbourne. Correctly guessing the weather is more difficult than finding a winner in the Cup. Even if the day starts out bleary there is a good chance it'll turn into a pearler.
Secondly and most importantly they are a necessary addition for the inevitable amount of scouting you'll be doing. The filly's have donned their best frock, and spent hours working on their hair and makeup. It would actually be rude not to. But do it right, don't be lazy, sunnies on, and never forget to always inform your stable mate.


There you have it fellas. Following these 5 F's will ensure you won't find yourself getting effed in any way other than desired.

The Inaugural "Raph Clarke Medal"

The season has ended.

Hawthorn wins another premiership. Whoop de fucking doo.

St Kilda win a wooden spoon, Lenny Hayes retires. Put a fork in them. They're done.

Priddis wins the Brownlow. Deserved it, but who honestly saw that coming?

That leaves only one thing left to work out: Who were the worst players of the season?
This is the battle of the bottom dwellers, the shit kickers, and the all round disgraces to the game.


This year it was a tight affair. To qualify for this prestigious medal, players must have played a total of 8 games, and be hated more by their own supporters than the opposition.

We will begin with the runners up. These two players gave it a red hot crack this year, but finished tantalising short.

3. Travis Cloke
Travis Cloke returned to his poor form, poor kicking and poor fashion choice. In an average year for Collingwood he wasn't worth his over the top pay-packet. He's just lucky his brother Cameron has already shamed the Cloke name enough that one poor year won't damage it any more.

2. Zachary Dawson
Zac Dawson continued to be his ridiculous self. The man is hated by every Fremantle supporter yet Ross Lyon still wants him as a son in law. I actually don't understand how this child gets a game. He'd honestly struggle to break into Blackburn's senior backline. Shocking player, even worse bloke.

As stated above, these players all worked tirelessly on their ability to miss a target, miss a tackle, and miss a goal. But there was one player who surpassed all this year.
So it is with great honour, that TJR announces the winner of the inaugural Raph Clarke Medal  to be....

TYRONE (cheapshot) VICKERY

Tyrone Vickery represented everything that was wrong with the Tigers in the first half of the year. He looked suited to EFL Div4 at times as he dropped chest marks and imparted nothing but misguided violence.
Some men buy expensive cars to overshadow their certain shortcomings. Tyrone simply throws punches to hide the fact he can't actually play football. It's as though he thinks that physicality can make up for being ineffective, clumsy and difficult to watch. His season was summed up in one hit on outgoing West Coast champion Dean Cox.

Vickery's cheap shot

A worthless, expendable, useless and all round weak player. He sports a face most men would love to hit, and now he finally has an award befitting of his ability.

Congratulations Tyrone, you're officially TJR disapproved.

Another Demon Among the Angels

Reports are coming out of the Melbourne Football Club that arguably their greatest player of all time has passed away.

Robbie Flower was the vision of hope through a rather unsuccessful time for the Dees. Despite a listed playing weight of just 67kilos he was never one to shy away from the contest. He had speed to burn and was one of the first ever pristine ball users of the 70s.
This led to Brent Croswell using the following words to describe Flower in The Complete Guide to Australian Football;

"...beat Flower and you could just about retire from League Football because anything else smacked of anti-climax."

See highlights of the great man below.
Robbie Flower Highlights



Thanks for the memories Robbie. I hope you're enjoying a nice cold beer with Jimmy Stynes already. 

You are now a Demon among the Angels.


#TJR

English cricket team move into favouritism for Bobsleigh Gold Medal

Very few things in this world make me as happy as seeing Australia succeed on the world stage. One thing however that gives me similar feelings of joy, fulfillment and patriotism is seeing England lose.

In recent years England have revitalized their cricket team, to the point where they well and truly had the wood on the Aussies. Following victory in the 2011 Ashes series in Australia, England gained the number 1 position in world cricket. A position they would hold until late 2012. Not only did we have to hand over The Ashes, we had to put up with England big noting themselves to the entire cricketing world.
As much as they whine when the lose, they boast even more heavily when they win.
And they wonder why we resent them.

However, since 2012 the English Cricket team have fallen from grace so quickly that they have become the favourites for the Gold medal in the team Bobsleigh event at the World Cup event beginning later this year. Furthermore, plenty of their players will seek individual glory in the downhill skiing, with Bell, Prior and Cook the best chances for medals.

It is just one year ago that England beat Australia by 347 runs at Lords. Since then they have been unable to turn around a form slump so dramatic that if things fall India's way in the final two tests, England could be sitting as low as 7th in the world rankings.

How bad is it? Let see..

They haven't won a test in their last 10 tries - worst run in over 20 years.
Their senior players in Bell, Cook and Prior are all averaging under 25 runs a game over this stretch.
Cook hasn't scored a century in his last 27 innings.
Their bowlers can't put together two good performances during an entire match.
Broad now believes in ghosts, proclaiming that his room was haunted in their test against Sri Lanka.
Kevin Pietersen was sacked earlier this year for bad-mouthing their coach.
Then Andrew Strauss was in hot water for labeling Pietersen a c*** on live TV.
And up until last week India had gone 1,124 days without winning a Test outside of India.

Long live the Queen? Nah, long live the demise of the English cricket team!

Fatherly Faith Pays Off

Early this morning Rory McIlroy held off the fast finishing Sergio Garcia and Rickie Fowler to win the British Open Championship by just 2 strokes.

The win not only nets him a cool £975,000 but he also joins Tiger Woods and Jack Nicklaus as the only golfers to have won three of the four major titles by the time they were 25.
But it is not only Rory who is profiting from this win. It turns out that Gerry McIlroy, Rory's father, also stands to walk away with a reported £100,000. 

How did he do this you ask?

 He had amazing, if not insane faith in his then 15 year old son who showed some talent with stick in hand. So certain was Gerry that this talent would eventuate into something remarkable he approached a local bookmaker and put £200 on Rory to win the British Open before he turned 26 at odds of 500/1.  He also convinced two friends to do the same who reportedly will share £80,000 worth of winnings between them. 

Until this year Rory had had very little success at the Open, finishing within the top 25 just once since 2007. But all that is history now. Surely big celebrations will be shared with his family and friends tonight and there will definitely be a few extra bottles of bubbly floating around!

The fluctuating stock price of the Kangaroos

This year the Kangaroos have been more unpredictable than stock market. More erratic than Melbourne's weather. And more random than a Miley Cyrus film clip.
One day they're up, twerking it out on the MCG, then the next they may as well have stayed in bed and slept through the entire weekend. 

As the ladder stands North Melbourne have beaten 4 of the 5 teams above them, with Geelong the only exception. They have shown that their midfield has the strength to match it with the very best, and their forward line has enough scoring power to keep up with a fast flowing Hawthorn. Yet, there have been far too many occasions where they simply have not turned up to play. 

Round 5 they went through the motions in a convincing loss to Collingwood. The same thing happened against the Gold Coast Suns in Round 7, and again in Round 13 against Adelaide.
Then, within the space of two weeks they lost to bottom dwellers Brisbane by 4 points after blowing an early 22 point lead, to then bounce back the following week and defeat last years premiers Hawthorn by 20 points. And finally they infuriated their fans once again with a loss to Carlton this weekend. 

Following their game against Carlton on Friday night coach Brad Scott took responsibility for their up and down season.

" You always look in the mirror first. Clearly there is something I'm not doing and I haven't found it yet "

But is it really his fault. Sure, he has a part to play in all of this, and maybe he could be harder on the group, or approach games differently.

But these are professional footballers. They are paid to play.
If I was as unpredictable in my job from one day to the next then surely my boss would be showing me the door pretty quickly. North's players need to take a real good look at themselves. This whole charade is all a matter of the mind. How they approach each game is up to the individual, and they certainly should not need a blasting in the media or an inspirational speech from their coach to get them psyched up before each game. 

The ability to be able to motivate yourself is one of the most important characteristics a footballer can have. It is what has made the likes of Ablett and Judd so good over their careers. Whenever their team is down, you can count on them to have a big quarter, or even just lift their team with a single act. 

At present, North Melbourne do not have that. Yes they have leaders. I've always been a fan of Petrie's work but he's not a superstar forward that can win a game off his own boot. And while Swallow is performing week in week out with high numbers this year his impact is not as damaging as other elite midfielders in the comp.
They simply have too many players that go missing during important moments in games. I'm not saying they're an entire team of down hill skiers, but they definitely have far too many front runners. 

They lack belief in their ability to turn games around, and until they can do that on a regular basis they are not going to be the Top 4 side they aspire to be.

Until then I urge all my readers to never put any money on North Melbourne.

They are a punters nightmare and surely would have ruined more multi's than any other team this year. Bet with them against a team below them and they are likely to ruin you, but bet against them when they play someone above them and you're stuffed.

They are as confusing as Inception and as disappointing as The Godfather Part 3. 

But hopefully for their supporters their season has a happy ending. 

The Real Winners of The World Cup

It's been a week since the World Cup officially finished, but the celebrations and heartache are still here.

Firstly, let me be honest with you all - I can't really stand watching soccer.
I mean I'll happily be patriotic once every four years and watch with hope that Timmy will answer a nations prayers and do us proud, but if it's not Australia on the pitch I can barely watch 10, let alone 90 minutes of the game.
I can appreciate the skills of Neymar, Messi and Schweinsteiger. I can also understand the craziness of Cahill's strike, and the exquisite goal saving dives from Tim Howard. But despite this, I'd rather watch the Red Viper's death scene from Game of Thrones on repeat, than watch sportsmen play and act for free kicks.

Despite my criticism of the game, I must say that I found myself get caught up in the enormity of the World Cup, but maybe for different reasons than most.

Lets kick it off with the main reason most guys get up at ridiculous hours to watch this - the women.
Yes, this tournament is meant to be about the players, their skill, and the goals, but most men are more interested in the wives and girlfriends that fame can get you.
The entire German team are apparently dating 10's, both Messi and Neymar are batting well above their average, and some fan even got herself a modelling contract just for being seen in the crowd!

German hero 'Super' Mario Gotze and his stunning trophy.
Being held by his even more stunning girlfriend.

Germany's Top Model winner, and girlfriend to
German player Khedira. She definitely makes
the Germans an ever greater team.

Lionel Messi is scoring goals in all the right places!

Axelle Despiegelaere stole the entire tournament with her few seconds of
fame during a German match, earning herself a modelling contract.
Well played indeed.

It wasn't only the women in the crowd that impressed us.
Every country has their loyal fans. Some get painted in their team colours, others dress up in some weird and whacky outfits that make you question almost everything you've ever known. This year there was one Colombian fan who outdid anyone else.

Let me introduce you to the Colombian Nazi Weed Pope.

Where on earth did this man get this idea. Swastika, cannabis and the Pope. Instantly I'm imagining an alternate reality where Jesus and Hitler are sharing a bong. It's possibly the strangest thing I've ever seen. And let's not forget his less courageous friend. These two are my favourite thing to come out of this World Cup! 

But the crowd's weren't the only reason to watch, there was of course waiting for someone to have a momentous stuff-up that would cost their team everything. This year though it was an entire team that broke the hearts of the host nation. As the Brazilian team and supporters tried to come to grips with their 7-1 defeat the internet and twitter highlighted some amazing reactions.

Brazil's Christ the Redeemer statue looked a little different following the loss.

The new Brazilian flag was also unveiled on twitter...

Finally, one of the main reasons I dislike soccer is the acting. So many players would look more comfortable on the 3metre spring board at the upcoming Commonwealth Games than on the field at the World Cup.

There were plenty of nominees for the best dive of the tournament, but the award had to go Arjen Robben this year. His amazing display caught the eye of the referee, and scored a 9.4 from all judges, with top marks given for difficulty and technique. He also almost broke the long jump world record with this effort.

Luis Suarez was a very close second, with his argument that Italian defender Chiellini 'shouldered his teeth' following his well publicised 'three-thirty-itis' hunger issues.

Well done to all the real winners of the World Cup, I'll look forward to the camera-men finding the best looking women in the crowd again in four years time. Until then I guess the French countryside will have to do as we turn our late night and early morning attention to watching Le Tour!